Escape from The Mall of America...

Okay, so I had to spend a week in Minneapolis for work. The flight up to Minnesota wasn't bad except for missing my connection in Dallas. I got over all of the running, sweating and breathing hard...for nothing. Having the extra time at the airport was actually nice. I got to have an expensive, disgusting lunch at the airport TGI Friday's. The beer was good, though... *reminiscing*

Anyway, the week in Minneapolis was pleasant, especially the weather! High temps in the mid-70's and low temps in the low 60's was a great alternative to the steamy upper 90's here in south Louisiana. The food was...uh...well, it wasn't horrible.

What was horrible was the Mall of America. What a torture pit! I got lost so fast in that place it made my head spin. It's like a roach motel for tourists; you check in, but you never check out! How could I, a self-respecting grown man, get lost in a frigging mall, you ask?

Well, aside from the sheer immensity of the place, there are multiple locations for just about every major store. So you may pass two locations of the same store, causing you to think you've passed the same place twice, which causes you to think you need to change directions, which causes you to wander even deeper into the seemingly endless maze of retail hell that is the Mall of America.

By the time I finally escaped, my feet were somewhere between on fire and numb, my back and shoulders were killing me, and I had a migraine.

But, hey, I guess that's what being a 21st-Century American is all about, right? Shop 'til you die. But I didn't go into the place looking to "shop". I don't know any guys who do that. I just wanted to see it, but the Mall had another plan, and that plan was to trap me, spin me around in circles until I was dazed and confused, and not let me go until I bought something.

Guys, if you're ever in Minneapolis, don't- I repeat, do not- let a woman trick you into going to the Mall of America. If you do find yourself there, just head for the amusement park in the center, wait for her, and whatever you do, don't move!