Ms. Gollum SnailiVader

Gollum SnailiVader is a nickname developed over time by me and a few of my coworkers for a particular member of our staff. This...employee...is in her mid-60's and has the metabolism of someone in her mid-90's.

If she sits still for more than two minutes, she's asleep. And I don't mean dozing; I mean she is in REM-stage sleep, drooling all over herself. But, that's not the worst of it.

It's what she does when she's awake that drives us all insane. What is that, you ask? I'll tell you!

But, before I tell you about that, let me explain her nickname. The "SnailiVader" surname actually evolved from "Snailigator", which is an animal that stays in a constant state of hunger because it is too slow to actually catch something to eat. Gollum's last name remained "Snailigator" until the day someone in the office mentioned her excessively loud and raspy breathing being similar to that of Darth Vader. Nobody knows exactly who changed Snailigator to SnailiVader. We just know that Gollum's last name is better than it used to be.

Now for her first name: Gollum. Some of you may recognize the name as it appears in the Lord of the Ring books and movies. Gollum was a pathetic little creature who had this chronic, hacking cough that actually sounded like, "gollum...gollum..." Thus the name. Now you know where I'm going with this, don't you? Ms. SnailiVader is afflicted with a similar condition, although it's not really a cough, per se. What she's actually doing is, well...hocking up a "loogie", which she promptly swallows. She does this several hundred times each day.

So, now you know why her name is what it is. Now I'll tell you what she does when she's awake.

She doesn't do anything. This mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger sits at her desk and vacillates between playing solitaire, checking the online obituaries, and having a pleasant conversation with herself. She used to have duties, but, one by one, The Boss took them away from her due to her utter incompetence.

Why hasn't she been fired, you ask? Silly private-sector employee, we are State government employees, that's why! Gollum can't be fired! Oh, sure The Boss could have written her up the required amount of times, which would have led to some sort of "formal reprimand". Then, The Boss could've continued to write her up, which may have eventually led to a Civil Service hearing, which may have resulted in Ms. SnailiVader finally being fired, but...I suppose she would rather just take the easy road and dump all of Gollum's former duties on the rest of the staff.

That worked for awhile, until The Boss finally began to hear the rumblings of dissent coming from the staff. She knew she had to do something about Gollum. So, at long last, The Boss had a "fire & brimstone" meeting with Ms. SnailiVader, reassigning one of her former duties with the requirement that she pay attention to what she's doing and earn her paycheck. Not surprisingly, Gollum called in sick the next day, ostensibly in protest to the new requirements.

Gollum's next day at work started with her stomping into the office, pouting like an 8-year-old, and attempting to start her day by playing a freaking game of solitaire! After discovering that the games had all been removed from her computer, she begrudgingly began working. She was not, however, having her usual pleasant conversation with herself. Hell, no. She was now having a bitter argument with herself, punctuated occasionally by her standing up and flopping violently back down into her chair.

Luckily for us, that only lasted two days. But it's obvious that she longs for the days when she could play computer games, sleep, and ignore the phone when it rang, because she now has a hearing problem when she answers the phone. Her greeting sounds something like this, "Uh...gollum...gollum...*gulp*...(name of business)...gollum...can I help you? Huh? Huh?!? I can't hear you...gollum...gollum...You're gonna have to speak up, I can't hear what you're saying..." I am convinced that she does this on purpose in an effort to convince The Boss that she shouldn't be allowed to answer the phones, and I'll bet that day is coming.

After being banned from answering the phones, her next mission will be to get out of having to answer the office's front door. I'm thinking she'll formulate some nasty habit to engage in just as she's opening the door, like digging in her nose or digging in her cottage-cheese butt crack, which will induce the gag reflex of whoever she's letting in the front door. After that happens a few times, or after The Boss sees her do it once or twice, she'll ban Ms. SnailiVader from answering the front door.

Then, the diabolical plan of Ms. Gollum SnailiVader will be complete: She'll once again have, at the direction of The Boss, nothing to do...